Of Age and Doctors
So as the old phrase goes, ‘Getting old is a bitch.’
Its true.
While i’m still considered relatively young, being only 35, my body has been showing the signs of not being so young anymore. Sore joints, sore back, more sleep, grey hair, receding hairline and weight gain.
Weight gain.. ok.. this one sucks. For around 20 years, i’ve always hovered in the 150-160 range, thin, yes, but not anorexic like. But over the last year, jeans have become tighter and a gut has emerged. All this is easily remedied with some excercise at least.
Grey hair. Meh. There’s fixes for that. Receding hairline, again, meh. I’ve been bald before and it won’t bug me a bit.
But now.. the joints and back. I’ve had a pretty active life I would think. And I know my body has taken a beating, not as much as others, but still. Marine Corp, tackle football with friends, rock climbing, poll climbing (for work), and constantly carrying around a 32′ ladder for work. There are other things as well, such as a cat tripping me up, but i’ll talk about that later.
Anywho. I went to the docs about two months ago due to some pretty bad pain in my knee. It’d come and go, but when it came, it hurt like hell. I couldn’t squat or keep it straight for long. And occasionally, my right leg would give out as well. After an MRI showed some minor arthritis, he sent me to an ortho. The ortho there couldn’t see much either. So gave me a shot of cortisone to help rule out some things before having to do a scope of the knee.
Now, this was my right knee, and right after that, Meg’s cat Yoda, decided to climb up the ladder to the loft just as I was coming down. If I hadn’t shifted my foot, I would of stepped squarely on him, but since I shifted, I lost my footing and landed sideways on my ankle. And Ding! Hairline fracture and severely sprained ankle.
To add insult to injury, the little bastage jumps back down while i’m writhing on the floor in pain and comes up to my face and meows. But it was one of those questioning meows. You can’t help to love the retarded little shit though.
But back to the doctor. During this time, I had started getting pains in my other ankle as well. And not to mention my lower back which has bugged me for years. So after a follow up with the Doc, he has started to wonder if the issue’s my be stemming from my lower back. Sooo. Back into the MRI I go.
First time wasn’t that bad, as it was just my leg that went in. Now I totally went in. I’m not claustrophobic, but it was a bit eery. And now I wait for those results on June 12.
Whee!!!
Running Blind
It has been said that one who does not know he is darkness cannot fear that which hides within it. I do not know of the darkness I exist in. To make matters worse, I’m making a mad dash through life. I often run as fast as I can, legs shaking, lungs heaving, eyes closed – right into a brick wall. Each time I collide with the wall I can feel my entire self being shaken down to my very core. Then I fall. I can feel my head dully bounce off the bedrock and I can feel the blood running down my neck and face. I sit there in shock, wondering what the hell just happened. When I realize my fault, I slowly pick myself up and clean myself off. When my legs stop trembling, I think to myself ‘I’ll never do that again’. Then I close my eyes, and resume my sprint.
The scars I bear on my ego, heart, and skin should be enough proof that I run into too many walls. In the course of a human life there are some walls that you will run into, it goes without saying. However, the number of walls you hit will be greatly reduced if you are not always running. Having your eyes open helps too. So what is this glue that binds my sight?
There are a multitude of problems that exist in my life. However, most of them can be attributed to a select few reasons. Self-centered mindset, not learning from the past, being a sucker for immediate gratification and being unable to see the future are those reasons. They fuse together to form one gigantic, disgusting, unseen presence that keeps me wholly ignorant of the fact that my eyes are closed. Besides just binding my sight, they also make speed through all things, good and bad. The harm this may inflict upon my body, mind or spirit, usually pales in comparison to the piles of slain and unmet goals that I leave in my wake.
Admitting to the fact that I am a self-centered individual is no problem. The problem arises when I grasp for an answer to the question, ‘How do I change this’?. Looking out for number one is a basic societal instruction. However, when ‘self-centered’ perverts into selfishness, then new walls become erected in your immediate path. When I turned to selfishness, I can never be too sure. Clarity only shines over the idea of destroying it.
Tagging along with selfishness, is the idea that you are big and bad enough to take on all that life has to throw at you. When this smoke cloud of illusion finally dissipates, you come crashing down to the sight of the destruction you caused. Bridges that could once withstand the fiercest storms are reduced to mere piles of glowing embers. Broken hearts and broken friendships litter the ground all around you. After all this has set in, you see that you have no clue where you are. Only then do you come to the realization that you are but a mere speck in the grand scheme of things and you cannot bear this pain all alone. Harder yet is the lesson that many goals cannot be achieved without others.
Normally, people learn what not to do by doing something that causes them pain. I on the other hand, will usually burn my hand on the stove, realize that in doing so I hurt myself, but then I’ll see a candle across the room and still reach for the flame. Fire is fire, no matter what setting it exists in. My mind has this haze that envelops it and believes that every situation is different, even though time and pain has proved otherwise. Stupid, yes, but it does help me to maintain a childlike innocence and has so far kept me from becoming jaded to the various fires (relationships, daily mundane routines, Etc.) within my life. Weather or not the innocence will ever outweigh the pain, that is something i’ll never know fully, but have faith that it will.
I am man enough to admit that I am stupid enough to do things that will hurt me, even after i’ve already learned that they cause pain. However, I will not say that I don’t understand that they will cause me pain the second time around. It loops back to the innocence factor. In all honesty, within the deepest chambers of my heart, I know its going to hurt. I pray that each time I remake a mistake that its going to be different. I obviously hope that it is going to turn out for the better, and if not that, then at least be different, if only in the tinest, minute way so I can rationalize it as a ‘brand new’ learning situation.
Instant gratification is a constant problem with me. The fight between me and the sloth that instant gratification brings with it seeps into all different aspects of my life. It effects me in stupid little ways, like weather or not I should microwave a hot pocket for lunch instead of making a nutritious bowl of soup. The real drop down, drag out war is, rationalizing weather or not my studying for work is worth loosing sleep over so that I can hang out with all my friends and my maybe soon to be girlfriend. I’ll give you a real good example, this is being typed at 5:06 AM, and not because I’m nocturnal. Everyday I have to make decisions weather or not to take the quick fix, or choose the option that consumes time and generally isn’t all that fun. Factor in a nice dose of senioritus, and it turns my loosing battle into a slaughter.
My last real problem is mostly a byproduct of having my three other problems at the same time. Take selfishness, Laziness and a dash of the inablity to learn from the past and you get my final problem – not being able to see what effects my actions will have. Sometimes this will work to my advantage, keeping me from fearing things that I have no reason to, but more likely the opposite will occur. I will not see that if I decide to stay out all night hanging out with friends that I will be unable to wake up in the morning and will run late for work. I will only see that if i decide to stay out I will probably get a chance to pop really stupid jokes, get in on some juicy gossip, or have a chance to make out with the girl I like. In this sense, I really am blind, and I do not even know it.
Each of these factors exists on their own, and as a part of a larger problem. They are my bane. Laying down and dying isn’t something I am known for doing, so I know that these undoings won’t plague me forever. I have to muster up the courage, sense of mind, strength of will and patience to slay the beast that basicaly decides which goals I will or won’t make for me. It won’t be easy. I’ve let them build up untouched for too long to expect this to be a quick and easy battle.
What exactly can be done to change this? Beats me. There are a number of ways to fight this, and I know eventually they all lead to the same conclusion. But for me, I think retraining my mind will be the best method of attack. I will have to relearn that i’m not the only one in this world. I will have to take time to recognize what is fun isn’t always whats going to be what is needed. I might have to loose that special innocence to learn that each fire burns the same. Its going to take a really long time to do this, but for the sake of my future self and all the goals I wish to achive, I know I can do it.
True, right now I am running through life blind, but it doesn’t have to be that way. One day the collision will be so great that I won’t be able to get up. When that happens I’ll have no choice but to tear the scales from my eyes and see the road ahead of me. But why let it come to that? I have the ability to stop dead in my tracks right now. I can refuse to move another inch until I can see. I can clear my sight and avoid so much pain, heartache and confusion right now. I think i’ll start now.
-j
WTF!?
I just dont get it. I really dont. I thought I ment something…. When really im nothing to you.
Thanks.
Thanks for the dreams, thanks for the hope, thanks for the love, thanks for the smiles. Thanks for the pain. Thank you for making me cry. THanks for ignoring me, using me, hurting me. Thank you for my stress, my worries, my sadness.
Why are you doing this to me? Cant you see its killing me?
-j
