Running Blind
It has been said that one who does not know he is darkness cannot fear that which hides within it. I do not know of the darkness I exist in. To make matters worse, I’m making a mad dash through life. I often run as fast as I can, legs shaking, lungs heaving, eyes closed – right into a brick wall. Each time I collide with the wall I can feel my entire self being shaken down to my very core. Then I fall. I can feel my head dully bounce off the bedrock and I can feel the blood running down my neck and face. I sit there in shock, wondering what the hell just happened. When I realize my fault, I slowly pick myself up and clean myself off. When my legs stop trembling, I think to myself ‘I’ll never do that again’. Then I close my eyes, and resume my sprint.
The scars I bear on my ego, heart, and skin should be enough proof that I run into too many walls. In the course of a human life there are some walls that you will run into, it goes without saying. However, the number of walls you hit will be greatly reduced if you are not always running. Having your eyes open helps too. So what is this glue that binds my sight?
There are a multitude of problems that exist in my life. However, most of them can be attributed to a select few reasons. Self-centered mindset, not learning from the past, being a sucker for immediate gratification and being unable to see the future are those reasons. They fuse together to form one gigantic, disgusting, unseen presence that keeps me wholly ignorant of the fact that my eyes are closed. Besides just binding my sight, they also make speed through all things, good and bad. The harm this may inflict upon my body, mind or spirit, usually pales in comparison to the piles of slain and unmet goals that I leave in my wake.
Admitting to the fact that I am a self-centered individual is no problem. The problem arises when I grasp for an answer to the question, ‘How do I change this’?. Looking out for number one is a basic societal instruction. However, when ‘self-centered’ perverts into selfishness, then new walls become erected in your immediate path. When I turned to selfishness, I can never be too sure. Clarity only shines over the idea of destroying it.
Tagging along with selfishness, is the idea that you are big and bad enough to take on all that life has to throw at you. When this smoke cloud of illusion finally dissipates, you come crashing down to the sight of the destruction you caused. Bridges that could once withstand the fiercest storms are reduced to mere piles of glowing embers. Broken hearts and broken friendships litter the ground all around you. After all this has set in, you see that you have no clue where you are. Only then do you come to the realization that you are but a mere speck in the grand scheme of things and you cannot bear this pain all alone. Harder yet is the lesson that many goals cannot be achieved without others.
Normally, people learn what not to do by doing something that causes them pain. I on the other hand, will usually burn my hand on the stove, realize that in doing so I hurt myself, but then I’ll see a candle across the room and still reach for the flame. Fire is fire, no matter what setting it exists in. My mind has this haze that envelops it and believes that every situation is different, even though time and pain has proved otherwise. Stupid, yes, but it does help me to maintain a childlike innocence and has so far kept me from becoming jaded to the various fires (relationships, daily mundane routines, Etc.) within my life. Weather or not the innocence will ever outweigh the pain, that is something i’ll never know fully, but have faith that it will.
I am man enough to admit that I am stupid enough to do things that will hurt me, even after i’ve already learned that they cause pain. However, I will not say that I don’t understand that they will cause me pain the second time around. It loops back to the innocence factor. In all honesty, within the deepest chambers of my heart, I know its going to hurt. I pray that each time I remake a mistake that its going to be different. I obviously hope that it is going to turn out for the better, and if not that, then at least be different, if only in the tinest, minute way so I can rationalize it as a ‘brand new’ learning situation.
Instant gratification is a constant problem with me. The fight between me and the sloth that instant gratification brings with it seeps into all different aspects of my life. It effects me in stupid little ways, like weather or not I should microwave a hot pocket for lunch instead of making a nutritious bowl of soup. The real drop down, drag out war is, rationalizing weather or not my studying for work is worth loosing sleep over so that I can hang out with all my friends and my maybe soon to be girlfriend. I’ll give you a real good example, this is being typed at 5:06 AM, and not because I’m nocturnal. Everyday I have to make decisions weather or not to take the quick fix, or choose the option that consumes time and generally isn’t all that fun. Factor in a nice dose of senioritus, and it turns my loosing battle into a slaughter.
My last real problem is mostly a byproduct of having my three other problems at the same time. Take selfishness, Laziness and a dash of the inablity to learn from the past and you get my final problem – not being able to see what effects my actions will have. Sometimes this will work to my advantage, keeping me from fearing things that I have no reason to, but more likely the opposite will occur. I will not see that if I decide to stay out all night hanging out with friends that I will be unable to wake up in the morning and will run late for work. I will only see that if i decide to stay out I will probably get a chance to pop really stupid jokes, get in on some juicy gossip, or have a chance to make out with the girl I like. In this sense, I really am blind, and I do not even know it.
Each of these factors exists on their own, and as a part of a larger problem. They are my bane. Laying down and dying isn’t something I am known for doing, so I know that these undoings won’t plague me forever. I have to muster up the courage, sense of mind, strength of will and patience to slay the beast that basicaly decides which goals I will or won’t make for me. It won’t be easy. I’ve let them build up untouched for too long to expect this to be a quick and easy battle.
What exactly can be done to change this? Beats me. There are a number of ways to fight this, and I know eventually they all lead to the same conclusion. But for me, I think retraining my mind will be the best method of attack. I will have to relearn that i’m not the only one in this world. I will have to take time to recognize what is fun isn’t always whats going to be what is needed. I might have to loose that special innocence to learn that each fire burns the same. Its going to take a really long time to do this, but for the sake of my future self and all the goals I wish to achive, I know I can do it.
True, right now I am running through life blind, but it doesn’t have to be that way. One day the collision will be so great that I won’t be able to get up. When that happens I’ll have no choice but to tear the scales from my eyes and see the road ahead of me. But why let it come to that? I have the ability to stop dead in my tracks right now. I can refuse to move another inch until I can see. I can clear my sight and avoid so much pain, heartache and confusion right now. I think i’ll start now.
-j
