crushes pt II
Hehehehe. This is a little different.
I have a crush, and I like her very much, and she should come over, and we should eat junk food and play video games, and sit in the hottub, and drink good beer, then go out for dinner, blahblahblah… you know, all of that.
“It seems like every day’s the same and i’m left to discover on my own, it seems like everything is grey and there’s no color to behold. They say “it’s over, and i’m fine again”, yeah. Try to stay sober, feels like i’m dyin’, yeah. And I am aware now, how everything’s gonna be fine, one day, too late. i’m in hell, I am prepared now, seems everyone?s gonna be fine, one day too late, just as well” – Seether “Fine again”
I have been spending a lot of time asking “what kind of night is this” with no avail… well tonight I washed my light bulbs… that’s what kind of night it is.
Because it seems like sometimes a tornado has ripped through my life, and left everything shredded… and now, the only way I can clean it is to burn it all and start fresh. I know why the forest feels that is the best way to let in the new. Did you know there is a type of tree, the Jack Pine, which has pine cones which only open in the event of forest fires (scorching temps) and it’s absolutely natural to have to begin that way. And maybe that’s just the easiest way to see every seemingly major event.
A disaster.
Tornado room, bedroom disaster, work disaster, X-mas disaster… maybe i’m the only one that sees it like that, not sure. “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” … stoning disaster.
I’m not tired, I spend too much time behind a keyboard, too much time behind a controller. But sometimes it’s all i’m capable of. Oh well, tread water, that’s all I can ask. I cleaned up my bathroom, i’d like to get this room under wraps, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen, ever. At least, not until i’m able to collect my own scattered thoughts. I think the main theme of my life as of late has been detachment. I’m not sure why. It’s hard to get into anything, to ever not feel like i’m just observing. And i’m not sure if it’s just wear, or that i’m not feeling like i’m really living as of late. It’s a bunch of philosophical nonsense I suppose. All I can say for sure is, well… I can’t speak with certainty. How’s that for paradox? How’s that for poor spelling? I have the worst grammar ever.
I’ve wanted to write lately… I want to get back to creating the world i’ve worked on for so long. I’ve ditched my group creation, and that feels good, because I have more freedom and control, on the opposing hand, it’s hard because i’m used to playing on others, building and collaborating in creation. I guess i’ve used that crutch too long. Sadly, i’ve never been that good with endings.
Ok, enough for now, more rants later i’m sure, this is too unstructured as it is. Broken fragments from a broken fragment.
And, I’m still not to comfy with the idea of having a crush. :p
-j
crushes
Life is so frustrating. Like, the way almost everyone I know wants someone; why can’t we all just get together with each other and we’d all be happy? Instead, we all sit around complaining that we can’t find anyone, or saying what’s wrong with the people we do find, or just being afraid to meet new people, and therefore never finding anyone. And it always comes back to looks… the person who likes you isn’t attractive enough for you… you can’t find anyone because you don’t see anyone you’re attracted to… and then there’s me, i’m the one no one wants.
Yeah, I know there are a lot of us, but sometimes I wish I could be the picky one. My ex had an inferiority complex, I think I do to. I can never say or do the right thing at the time when it needs to be said or done, and I never (ever) talk to someone who looks good because I assume they would not want to talk to me.
“All the umbrellas in london couldn’t hide my love for you.” Maybe someday someone will feel this way about me, I don’t see it happening anytime soon though.
I sound really depressed in this journal entry. I’m not. I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things lately. I think way too much. I really do. I’m always stressed because i’m always thinking, and it runs me down and wears me out, and tends to depress me a bit sometimes.
But really i’m ok. Cause I also think about how lucky I am in a lot of ways.
Oh, also… crushes are strange little pinpricks of things. I mean, it’s me. I know i’m not cold and unemotional. But, I shouldn’t have crushes. I don’t know what to do.
“And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming
No one’s listening anyway”
-j
