How can someone feel both these? Its contradictory, isn't it?
I mean, when you are afraid, your heart quickens, your hands sweat, mouth goes dry, and you start to feel ill.
But then on the opposite end, when your happy, nothing can bother you, you smile, you feel good, and you want to share it with everyone.
I've been feeling both these for the last month and half? Lil longer?
Well, it deals with the post I made back on Apr 10th. The ending of it. There is this girl that I met last year in a game that I play. Starwars Galaxies to be exact. She is an absolute dork, something I like. Funny, caring, and very friendly. A friendship had grown between us and I tried to be there for her when something had changed in her life. And most of you that know me, know that I always try to be there for my friends when I'm needed.
Back a few months ago, I started developing feelings for her. The more I came to know her, the stronger they became. Until one day, she asked me what was wrong with me, as I hadn't been acting myself. And I told her. What surprised me was she herself said she also had feelings for me. And this is where I became stupid. I pushed. I tried to hurry things. This only pushed her away from me and scared her. I'm such a fucking moron.
She is an absolutly amazing woman. Intelligent, fun to talk to, caring, and only recently did I find out, beautiful.
Anyways, I ended up writing her an email, telling her exactly what I felt for her, how she made me feel, the eomtional turmoil i was, and am still, going through. And that I was leaving. Well, she talked to me, and we talked along time. She doesn't want me out of her life, she cares about me, and yes, still has feelings that grow daily. But she can't give me what I want or need right now. To many things she is terrified of. Of being abused, hurt, and abandoned. Something some of her ex's in the past have done to her.
I've come to find out she is extremely loyal to her friends and who ever she commits herself to, but the commitment doesn't happen until she can over come her fear. But I can only sit here and be patient, and that is where my fear comes into the scene. She has me totally and utterly in the palms of her hands. I'm so afriad that she is going to tell me that we can't be, I don't know how I will feel. She has that much power over my heart right now. I know, I sound very pathetic.
All i've ever waned was to find someone that would love me back as much as I loved them. Show me the affection I showed them. And be there for me as I would for them. I told her this also and her response to me was 'What makes you think you won't find that here?' I don't think I will ever forget those words.
To the one i'm talking about, you know who you are. All you want is right here. I promise not to let you down. And I sure as hell won't abandon you. And you can keep saying your little things such as 'You deserve better.' or 'I'm stubborn' and the many other things you like to say. Because, I'm stubborn also. And I don't think there is better, if there is, I don't want it, I want you. I love you.
You know the sensation they often describe, when everything that surrounds you seems to fade. When you're with that one person and all you can do is see them? Thats how I feel every moment i'm around you. you felt it too, I know you did.
And so here I am, palms wide open; waiting for two arms to wrap around me and dissolbe me into sand.
-j
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