When I was little I had a really annoying habit of asking too many questions during movies. Why is he doing that, what’s going to happen, how does it end, etc. etc. And my mother used to tell me, “If you just sit still and watch the movie, it'll answer your questions.”
She was always right.
I'm trying to apply that logic to now, to tell myself that if I just sit tight and let things happen it will all come to me. But it isn't getting any easier. You’re on my mind so much of the day… and there is so much to be said yet, and so much to be done. Deep inside I want the kind of love you're offering me, of this I'm certain.
I wanted so badly to kiss you last night even though I heard myself telling you to give me space, let me think and back off. I don't even know who I am anymore; half the time I don't even feel like I exist. I live vicariously through myself and watch life through my eyes like a spectator sport- and I don't want to give you anything that isn't real. I would never do that to you. I just don't know if I can do this again for a while- and frankly you deserve a whole hell of a lot more than a quibbling unsure mess of me- even though I know you will disagree.
So in the meantime I remember what it feels like to be cared for and attempt, mostly unsuccessfully, not to let that scare me.
**From my hand written journal awhile ago*
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