When I was little I had a really annoying habit of asking too many questions during movies. Why is he doing that, what’s going to happen, how does it end, etc. etc. And my mother used to tell me, “If you just sit still and watch the movie, it'll answer your questions.”
She was always right.
I'm trying to apply that logic to now, to tell myself that if I just sit tight and let things happen it will all come to me. But it isn't getting any easier. You’re on my mind so much of the day… and there is so much to be said yet, and so much to be done. Deep inside I want the kind of love you're offering me, of this I'm certain.
I wanted so badly to kiss you last night even though I heard myself telling you to give me space, let me think and back off. I don't even know who I am anymore; half the time I don't even feel like I exist. I live vicariously through myself and watch life through my eyes like a spectator sport- and I don't want to give you anything that isn't real. I would never do that to you. I just don't know if I can do this again for a while- and frankly you deserve a whole hell of a lot more than a quibbling unsure mess of me- even though I know you will disagree.
So in the meantime I remember what it feels like to be cared for and attempt, mostly unsuccessfully, not to let that scare me.
**From my hand written journal awhile ago*
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night after night, my passenger seat sits empty.
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/sigh
I honestly don't know what is wrong with me these days. I've been depressed…
Its as if I fail at everything. I try to be there for my friends, and when shit happens, they don't seem to want it. Its always 'I don't want to talk about it.' Its as if I am not wanted.
when I do get into a relationship, it seems at the end of it I am just a teacher. They always learn things from me, but by then its too late. They realize what they have lost and use that in their next relationship. I talk with some of them and find out things like 'I'm giving up doing this or that, its hurting my relationship and I don't want it to do what it did to you and I.' And I can only sit there and think, 'Why couldn't you have realized that when we were together? When I tried talking to you about it?'
And when I do bring it up, they say 'I was stupid, i'm sorry, wish it was different then.' Well, that doesn't fucking help me, does it.
I have my chiropractor trying to hook me up with some girl. I have my parents trying to do that. I have told them I don't want blind date shit, btu they pester me about it. I want to find someone that I think is right for me, not who they think will be right for me. I want to be loved and to love someone. And I feel as if I am never going to have that, no kids, no wife, etc.
Maybe I am trying to damned hard.
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Just uploaded all my color photo's from Hawaii. I still have a few black and whites I need to do and put up. Those will be up shortly.
You can see them by going to the main page, clicking on Public_Html, then Hawaii.
