Bleh
There are a lot of things in this world I'm afraid of, but I think I've finally come to figure out, or rather, I've finally admit to myself the thing I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid of being alone.
I get lonely a lot. Sometimes even with a ton of people around me, friends, family, peers, co-workers, strangers– you know how sometimes you just feel alone? It's hard to explain, but I just get to floating around in my own head. A feeling of isolation surrounds me sometimes. Like late at night, when everyone's asleep, and I'm up for no apparent reason, I'm alone. Sometimes I think I like to be alone. Gives me time to think about a lot of things. Gives me time to over think a lot of things. Listen to somber music.
I'm scared I've been believing in a fairytale all my life.
I'm scared that maybe I don't have somebody who was meant for me, that I wasn't meant for anybody. It's a weird complex. I'm scared my belief in fate may be a crux? Ever since I can remember, I've just believed that things happen for a reason. That there's a plan out there for each of us. That god has a plan for me. And I genuinely think I'm a pretty good kind-hearted person, that god has good plans for people like me. But then sometimes my faith falters a little…
I'm really tired of being alone. What do you feel like you're supposed to do with your life? I'm scared about where mine is heading. I have no clue, no direction.
I'm scared, anxious, nervous, sad. I want to go back to the city so much, but once I get there… then what? I might be building it up to something more than it is. I want too much from it. I've come to experience that whenever I want something too much, it'll fall away from me. But I never learn.
-j
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