15137
i step into the shower and scrub and scrub and scrub until the scent of you is almost gone. eventually the cloth rakes against my red skin and i feel the rawness seeping through my body. but i can still smell you.
i get out of the shower and it feels as though my torso has been emptied completely of all the blood and organs that used to be there. i eat and eat and eat until it feels as though i will explode, and yet, still, the emptiness is there. just like always.
i go into the living room and turn the music up all the way to silence the voices in my head, to dispel my thought of you because they feel so ugly. they stay anyway.
i should give up on forgetting about you. i should just let it go. but that would be like telling me to stop breathing. i'm so sorry that it's come to this. i never wanted to destroy what we had, but if i don't do something soon, this is going to eat me alive.
it's over
apathy has consumed me.
nothing matters anymore.
14859
/sigh
Depressed…
I've been seriously struggling in my mind. This is certainly something that I have to overcome by myself. Here are some lyrics from “Do what you have to do” by Sarah McLachlan. I've listen to this song and only this song for the past week on repeat!
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
14435
Bleh
There are a lot of things in this world I'm afraid of, but I think I've finally come to figure out, or rather, I've finally admit to myself the thing I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid of being alone.
I get lonely a lot. Sometimes even with a ton of people around me, friends, family, peers, co-workers, strangers– you know how sometimes you just feel alone? It's hard to explain, but I just get to floating around in my own head. A feeling of isolation surrounds me sometimes. Like late at night, when everyone's asleep, and I'm up for no apparent reason, I'm alone. Sometimes I think I like to be alone. Gives me time to think about a lot of things. Gives me time to over think a lot of things. Listen to somber music.
I'm scared I've been believing in a fairytale all my life.
I'm scared that maybe I don't have somebody who was meant for me, that I wasn't meant for anybody. It's a weird complex. I'm scared my belief in fate may be a crux? Ever since I can remember, I've just believed that things happen for a reason. That there's a plan out there for each of us. That god has a plan for me. And I genuinely think I'm a pretty good kind-hearted person, that god has good plans for people like me. But then sometimes my faith falters a little…
I'm really tired of being alone. What do you feel like you're supposed to do with your life? I'm scared about where mine is heading. I have no clue, no direction.
I'm scared, anxious, nervous, sad. I want to go back to the city so much, but once I get there… then what? I might be building it up to something more than it is. I want too much from it. I've come to experience that whenever I want something too much, it'll fall away from me. But I never learn.
-j
Barely Breathing
I don't know what it is. Sometimes, looking back on life already finished, things that you can never change or want to experience again, I get sentimental. I remember expectional moments, even in the worst of times, and I start to feel so… sad. Sometimes you wish for the past so badly that you can't bear to face the future. There are so many examples, so many places, things, people I miss. People I might never see again, but once held such a colossal place in my heart. It's hard when you start to understand that people you took for granted, ones that you thought you'd be friends with forever, might not always be there. Maybe they're already gone.
I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why
I say goodbye…
'Cause I am barely breathing, And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding, imaging you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain, and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
'Cause I am barely breathing, And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding, imaging you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
but i'm thinking it over anyway
i'm thinking it over anyway
I've come to find, I may never know
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?
I rise above, or sink below
With every time, you come and go
Please don't come and go
'Cause I am barely breathing, And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding, imaging you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
i know what you're doing
i see it all to clear
Duncan Sheik's “Barely Breathing”
13667
It has gotten so I feel myself going down that murky path again… we all go through darker periods in our lives, but there's nothing worse than waking up and feeling like there's nothing to smile about. And I'm getting to that point. I would say it's comparable to a recession. Not quite a depression and I know things will turn around again, but it's hard to be forward-thinking when all you do is dwell on the things that make your life rather unpleasant.
I think this could be, in part, due to the exhaustion. I haven't slept well in awhile, and when I'm overtired, I am cranky. Like a three year-old.
Proof that girls are evil
First we state that girls require time and money.
Girls = Time x Money
And as we all know 'time is money”.
Time = Money
Therefore:
Girls = Money x Money = (Money)2
And because “money is the root of all evil”:
Money = SqRt(Evil)
Therefore:
Girls = (SqRt(Evil))2
We are forced to conclude that:
Girls = Evil
13076
by JaxxEven I, when asked to put it in words, don't know everything about myself. So why have you stopped trying to find out everything you can about me? There's so much you don't know, but the real tragedy is that you don't want to find out. while random strangers in chatrooms do
I want to understand you so much that I wish I were telepathic. I want to be understood so much that I am obsessed with trying to write as close to actual thought as possible. The things you learn about a person after you think you know everything about them are the most interesting. I want to know why you don't want to learn these things about me.
I have always been alone, and I am best so. But living inside my head can only go on for so long – eventually someone needs to look in there to see if I am still alive, and what I have been doing. Because if you don't, how would you know I am still there?
I am not looking for attention. I am not demanding tit for tat. I am not depressed.
I am lonely.
