10316
At a certain point you have to wonder if you're just going through the motions, doing what's expected of you rather than what you really want. I'm not sure I remember (or if I ever knew) what I want. Suspension with out suspense.
We get so far and it just starts rewinding, and it's the same old song we're playing again…
I keep hearing myself say “Oh well, what can you do?” as a response to EVERYTHING. When did I get so freaking apathetic?
Snap out of it.
I gave it to you…
Sometimes I wonder how much I am worth.
To you, how much am I?
I am sorry my love. 
9957
i want to take a shower with you.
to feel the warm beads of water trace your neck as i stand there holding you.
i want the water to cover us in longing.
the smell of you mixed with the soap,
me stroking you, feeling you, breathing you.
taking in everything until i am drowning in you.
your skin is beautiful, and so are you.
What do dreams mean?
I've been having a lot of dreams about someone lately. Once I dreamt that I was mad and I was yelling at her and a few days later I was reading something that talked about relationships and dreams. It basically said what I had already figured out. Anger towards people in dreams symbolizes unresolved feelings of anger. But more recently, the dreams have changed. They've become more positive although nothing has changed, other then feelings developing. I dream that we run into each other and i'm in love.
The meaning of those dreams? That I want her in my life and that it would make me much happier. At least, that's what the article on relationships said. I guess it is true. Deep inside of me I really want that to happen. I want to run in to her somewhere…surprise her by smiling at her and saying hello…and walk away, leaving her thinking about me so much that she decides to call me later that day…
I know I don't need her to be happy. It would make my life a little bit better, A little more interesting…but there are other things that seems to be interfering.
I always think that if it ever meant for us to be together or anything that it will just happen sometime in the future when I least suspect it. It has happened so many times before and each time it hasn't worked out, so I don't know why I suspect that it will next time.
Samantha, what I said to you this morning is how I feel. So now, everyone knows who I am talking about.
Random Thought
Brian says that if I want something I should just go for it. He may be right, but that doesn't make it easier to do.
So, i've had a crush kinda thing on her. And i've done nothing about it. Which is really pretty lame on my part. But i've also just become really ok with the idea of dating in the past few months.
I always do this.Ii like someone, but then I get afraid that they won't like me back. So I just kind of lust from afar rather than risk messing up the friendship.
But I think that maybe…just maybe I don't have anything to be afraid of this time. I get afraid that maybe i'm reading too much into things. So I ask people who can be objective, and i'm assured that i'm not. I just don't want to rush into anything.
I just know that I really like her. I get nervous talking to her on the phone, which is oh so lame of me.
God, i'm pathetic. I need to get over this shit, work up some nerve and make a move.
I feel selfish saying it, but it felt good to know that she misses me. Not in an egotistical way…it was just nice to hear that I wasn't sitting here missing her and she wasn't giving me a second thought.
-j
i miss you. you feel so far away. i mean, you've always been far away, but right now you feel even further.
i need to be sleeping. but i also just needed to say that it feels really good to have someone call me honey.
i don't know what is going to happen between us, but she makes me smile. i've missed that.
8855
Well…..ummm……so….
Ah….
Ummm…
Right, nice talking to you.
she's reduced me to yelling at my friends to make them understand. they aren't going to understand because they haven't been dealing with this type of shit for two and half fucking years. they think that “well she's just unreasonable” justifies everything… will fix everything… but it doesn't MATTER that she's unreasonable or impossible or unimaginably insane because that doesn't change how much control she has over everything. it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or how anyone reacts or whether GOD thinks she's unreasonable. she's still going to be that way. she's still going to do it exactly like i know she's going to do it, i can see it all playing out exactly that way. it doesn't matter how many times you think it might be different this time, it never fucking is. she's so fucking predictable.
but I'VE been dealing with it for two and half years. i know how this works. i really do.
in the end, they admitted i was probably right.
but i feel awful. and fuck her for making me feel like i even have to yell at them to make them understand.
and… and… WHY do you have to be gone tonight?? i need you. i really fucking need you. i can't believe she's done it again.. but i can. because she always breaks me. i fucking hate her. i hate her. and i need you. dammit.
8405
trying to let this flow from underneath of me. time passing by. seven years always seemed like too much but now it doesn't seem like it's enough. i should say goodbye quickly. i shouldn't make a scene. but following the rules was never like me. i visit on mondays. i climb your stairs and forget to knock. it's okay though, because i've been here twenty eight times before. i wonder if you're sleeping alone. i wonder where you were at four twenty two pm and if you have the thoughts of me that i have of you when i wake up trying to catch my breath. trying to breathe you in just one more time.
i loved you once, someday, i will love again
i missed you tonight
so i flipped through digital representations of the love we once knew
and i tried to remember
your scent
the way your voice sounded
in the mornings,
after work,
in the shower
the way you looked eating,
sleeping,
pissed
i tried to remember the way our love felt
when we held each other under that tree and we whispered promises on the wind
i tried to remember the way i was
when i wasn't afraid to feel
when i could throw my love up into the air
and let it fall all around us
i tried to remember
but everything had turned to gray
suddenly foggy
like the weather outside our flat on most days
i tried to remember your warmth next to me
your smile,
your laugh
but there was nothing left to grasp.
