7804
I find myself more and more in need of someone to put up with my shit. I keep thinking that I can rely on certain people, only to find out that there was only ever one person I could rely on. Kind of puts things into perspective… makes me miss the old days.
7524
I love it. I show a little bit of concern for a friend who has been depressed, upset, and hurting for a few days and I am accused of being 'so into drama'.
Well fucking excuse me for being concerned.
Do you notice, i'm gone?
It's strange how time and life have a way of bringing friendships into and out of our lives.
With some friendships, we barely even notice as they end. But then, just as they started, they're gone and the friendship is something you think back on fondly without feeling any pains of loss.
And then, there are other friendships that tear you apart as they end. You remember everything you had and you don't want to let it go. You grasp at straws, trying desparately to hold on to something that has already gone. You're too afraid to let it go, thinking that if you do you're somehow discounting the substance it had.
But in reality, that's not quite the case. People change and grow apart naturally. But it doesn't make what they shared any less real or any less important. These friendships will always have a place in your heart, and a part of shaping you into the person you become.
I just wrote what was quite possibly the hardest letter i've ever written. I don't know that i'll ever send it. But it felt good just to get it all out and onto paper. To put those thoughts and feelings and fears and sadness to paper. To truly admit that things have changed.
Part of me still doesn't want to let go of the friendship. Part of me hopes that we'll eventually find our way back to each other. But another part of me doesn't truly believe that's realistic. We are strangers in each others lives. We were so much more once, but now, aside from journal entries, we don't really know each other anymore.
Maybe this sounds overdramatic. That's not the intention. I'm simply just trying to put into words the things i've been thinking about for the past few weeks.
I was talking to a new friend the other night. And it made me smile to think how close we've become in the past month or so. And I told her all of the thoughts I was having, and how sad it made me to think that i may be truly losing this friendship that i've cherished for so long. And I sobbed in my living room thinking about it. But my new friend also helped me to realize that there are people that come into our lives that we may not get to keep forever…they are brought to us for reasons we may not understand. And we should be grateful for that.
And I am truly grateful. And still, somewhat hopeful for the future.
7095
If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
6760
*I'm convinced that all my friends don't really like me or take me seriously, and are just humoring me whenever I talk to them. Also, I'm not funny and am a completely worthless human being. I have no friends, nor is there any reason why I deserve any.
*I must be the biggest, socially inept DORK ever to walk the face of the earth.
Am I better off?
I've had girlfriends. I've had my heart broken, each time. Maybe it's better this way.
There is someone who I want to make happy. And it's not about me. I could just admire this person for hours. For years. Forever. Maybe you know who it is. Maybe it doesn't matter.
Do you think you're better off alone?
No. But it's easier to say that I am. Every one of these conversations i've had lately scream 'please, someone take me and break my heart in two.. I need a reason to feel this awful. I need a reason to be better off alone.'
I am scared and i'm alone. Possibly the worst combination in the world. I don't need comforting. I don't need your sympathy. All I want is someone.
6255
Confusion seems to have become a particle in every breath that passes my lips. This would all be so much easier if emotions weren't involved. If my heart and mind didn't constantly race in two different directions. Cooralation seems unlikely and it's flooring me. One minute normally (wrapped tightly in a life vest of unsatisfaction) and the next I'm deeper into the depths of despair than I ever thought possible. Are these violent pitches controlled by the sea of your presence, or are you in the same boat? Should I take the initative here… hold my breath and dive blindly into the truth to see what I can recover from the depths? I hope that fate will bring me to the surface.
-j
Anything
Never, ever can I live
with this image in my mind
Rest me not until it ends
and this glorious jewel I find
In this vast destruction
in this blackest night
Even as my eyes grow dim
i still shall not lose sight
Through this deadly land of fear
walking through this plague
I shall never give up hope
though it grows so vague
There is nothing I won`t do
nothing I won`t dare
Torture; if it means success
my soul shall gladly bare
Destruction brings no fear to me
in fact, I wish it well
For just one glimpse of victory
I`ll gladly burn in hell
You do not know and never shall
the sadness that you bring
But for your true, undying love
I would do anything
My Brother
I got to speak with my brother, John, the one that is in Iraq, tonight for a few minutes while I was over at my folks house. In just the few minutes we got to talk, I could tell he is tired, depressed, and a changed man. Seeing some the things he has seen, having to do some the things he has done, has forever changed him.
I feel sad now. But the good news is he is probably coming home this week. Don't know when I will get to see him though. I almost feel selfish because I want to see him, its been quite awhile, but he has his wife and two kids to spend time with now.
John, I'm glad you are safe and coming home now. I love you bro.
-j
5490
I know that our feelings are forbidden….
one we can't share out in the open like others can….
A love that is so sweet and true,
one that will last forever if given a chance.
There are those that will not see what we have,
nor understand it.
We will be shamed for our feelings….
should we feel guilty for what we have done,
knowing we are promised to another….
even though we both know the vows we made to them faded….
In our hearts we know we belong to each other.
The timing was off,
and we did'nt get the chance
to start our love, our lives,
or our future together first.
Will it be too late….
will we have to push forward in silence,
and live a lie
….be miserable
….and not share our dreams.
Please tell me it won't be so…. but it must….
We have become one,
me and you,
and I never want to be apart from you
or let you go.
We may not have started out together,
but you are the one I want, and can't have.
Move away, close the door.
Know I'll care for you, forevermore.
