Why you smiling?
That was asked of me today by a co-worker. Guess it shows.
I have that stupid grin, actually. and I laughed. I really chuckled. Just like now. Like a silly little boy with a crush.
…hm… heh
What would that make you think
If I told you I wanted to be more than a friend to you
Would you ever believe it was a possibility
If I told you I really liked you like “that”
What would your reaction be
How would you act?
Would you believe me?
Let’s say I wanted to be with you
How would that make you feel?
Would you ever believe it’s the truth?
And what I’m saying is real
Let’s say I want to be more than a friend to you
But I don’t want my heart broken again
Could you understand what I went through?
If we were together would you hurt me in the end……
p.s. I think cheese cake is very tasty. Mmmmm….
-j
crushes pt II
Hehehehe. This is a little different.
I have a crush, and I like her very much, and she should come over, and we should eat junk food and play video games, and sit in the hottub, and drink good beer, then go out for dinner, blahblahblah… you know, all of that.
“It seems like every day’s the same and i’m left to discover on my own, it seems like everything is grey and there’s no color to behold. They say “it’s over, and i’m fine again”, yeah. Try to stay sober, feels like i’m dyin’, yeah. And I am aware now, how everything’s gonna be fine, one day, too late. i’m in hell, I am prepared now, seems everyone?s gonna be fine, one day too late, just as well” – Seether “Fine again”
I have been spending a lot of time asking “what kind of night is this” with no avail… well tonight I washed my light bulbs… that’s what kind of night it is.
Because it seems like sometimes a tornado has ripped through my life, and left everything shredded… and now, the only way I can clean it is to burn it all and start fresh. I know why the forest feels that is the best way to let in the new. Did you know there is a type of tree, the Jack Pine, which has pine cones which only open in the event of forest fires (scorching temps) and it’s absolutely natural to have to begin that way. And maybe that’s just the easiest way to see every seemingly major event.
A disaster.
Tornado room, bedroom disaster, work disaster, X-mas disaster… maybe i’m the only one that sees it like that, not sure. “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” … stoning disaster.
I’m not tired, I spend too much time behind a keyboard, too much time behind a controller. But sometimes it’s all i’m capable of. Oh well, tread water, that’s all I can ask. I cleaned up my bathroom, i’d like to get this room under wraps, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen, ever. At least, not until i’m able to collect my own scattered thoughts. I think the main theme of my life as of late has been detachment. I’m not sure why. It’s hard to get into anything, to ever not feel like i’m just observing. And i’m not sure if it’s just wear, or that i’m not feeling like i’m really living as of late. It’s a bunch of philosophical nonsense I suppose. All I can say for sure is, well… I can’t speak with certainty. How’s that for paradox? How’s that for poor spelling? I have the worst grammar ever.
I’ve wanted to write lately… I want to get back to creating the world i’ve worked on for so long. I’ve ditched my group creation, and that feels good, because I have more freedom and control, on the opposing hand, it’s hard because i’m used to playing on others, building and collaborating in creation. I guess i’ve used that crutch too long. Sadly, i’ve never been that good with endings.
Ok, enough for now, more rants later i’m sure, this is too unstructured as it is. Broken fragments from a broken fragment.
And, I’m still not to comfy with the idea of having a crush. :p
-j
crushes
Life is so frustrating. Like, the way almost everyone I know wants someone; why can’t we all just get together with each other and we’d all be happy? Instead, we all sit around complaining that we can’t find anyone, or saying what’s wrong with the people we do find, or just being afraid to meet new people, and therefore never finding anyone. And it always comes back to looks… the person who likes you isn’t attractive enough for you… you can’t find anyone because you don’t see anyone you’re attracted to… and then there’s me, i’m the one no one wants.
Yeah, I know there are a lot of us, but sometimes I wish I could be the picky one. My ex had an inferiority complex, I think I do to. I can never say or do the right thing at the time when it needs to be said or done, and I never (ever) talk to someone who looks good because I assume they would not want to talk to me.
“All the umbrellas in london couldn’t hide my love for you.” Maybe someday someone will feel this way about me, I don’t see it happening anytime soon though.
I sound really depressed in this journal entry. I’m not. I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things lately. I think way too much. I really do. I’m always stressed because i’m always thinking, and it runs me down and wears me out, and tends to depress me a bit sometimes.
But really i’m ok. Cause I also think about how lucky I am in a lot of ways.
Oh, also… crushes are strange little pinpricks of things. I mean, it’s me. I know i’m not cold and unemotional. But, I shouldn’t have crushes. I don’t know what to do.
“And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming
No one’s listening anyway”
-j
Love Song For No One
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded
I hate it
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You’ll be so good
You’ll be so good for me
Why Would I Say Goodbye?
I guess I lost my head last night
Kept on ’til I made you cry
Walked out with my stubborn pride
Wasn’t nothing you could do to stop me
I hit the road but didn’t get far
Just drove around all night in my car
Now I’m not sure where to start
To tell you that I’m sorry
I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to leave
I just want to be with you
And after living alone
Lost for so long
Finally found the love of my life
Why would I say goodbye
I don’t know what it is about the edge of a cliff
Makes me want to get so close to it
I guess this time I finally slipped
What a foolish way to end it
Maybe that’s why I’m back here now
Got both feet back on the ground
Hopin’ you won’t turn me down
When I ask you for forgiveness
I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to leave
I just want to be with you
And after living alone
Lost for so long
Finally found the love of my life
Why would I say goodbye
I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to leave
I just want to be with you
And after living alone
Lost for so long
Finally found the love of my life
Why would I say goodbye
I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to leave
I just want to be with you
I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to leave
I just want to be with you
*Call me please, you know who you are*
lesson learnt
I learnt all there was to learn about futility in an impossibly smashing instant.
Thank you for the lesson.
Fuck it all to hell.
-j
Why its great to be a guy.
Cool things about being a man:
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work. More pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking “He must be mad at me.”
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hip s.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Ten Things men know for sure about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
Cold Pillow
I woke up this morning to a cold pillow
Because you weren’t there next to me
I woke up this morning with thoughts of you
But you weren’t around for me to share them
I woke up this morning and cried
And you weren’t here to hold me
I woke up this morning and wrote these words
So I could tell you I miss you.
-j
Redundancy
My life is becoming redundant once again… whereas before it had to do with my life at the house – now it has to do with my habit of going out and spending money – it’s the same scene all the time. While fun, I would love to meet new people – make new friends. Kim vocalized my concerns on Friday night – I need to join some sort of mentally stimulating group – like a book or philosophy club so that I can meet new people AND exercise that mushy muscle I’ve so rarely been using nowadays.
I am SO sick and tired of people not saying what they really mean. I am empathic, or good at reading people or something… often I know when people are lying about something, or at least not speaking the truth, whether they know it or not. I just would rather get everything out in the open – words are hard to swallow, but it’s even harder to know that things could have changed for the better (or worse, but it’s worth the risk) if someone had spoken up… living without regret is impossible. Living with knowing you did your damnedest not to regret is highly admirable…and it’s something I’m working towards.
Some words of advice to everyone I know: Just tell me the truth!!! I’m a lot stronger and more open-minded than you think…!
-j
Running Blind
It has been said that one who does not know he is darkness cannot fear that which hides within it. I do not know of the darkness I exist in. To make matters worse, I’m making a mad dash through life. I often run as fast as I can, legs shaking, lungs heaving, eyes closed – right into a brick wall. Each time I collide with the wall I can feel my entire self being shaken down to my very core. Then I fall. I can feel my head dully bounce off the bedrock and I can feel the blood running down my neck and face. I sit there in shock, wondering what the hell just happened. When I realize my fault, I slowly pick myself up and clean myself off. When my legs stop trembling, I think to myself ‘I’ll never do that again’. Then I close my eyes, and resume my sprint.
The scars I bear on my ego, heart, and skin should be enough proof that I run into too many walls. In the course of a human life there are some walls that you will run into, it goes without saying. However, the number of walls you hit will be greatly reduced if you are not always running. Having your eyes open helps too. So what is this glue that binds my sight?
There are a multitude of problems that exist in my life. However, most of them can be attributed to a select few reasons. Self-centered mindset, not learning from the past, being a sucker for immediate gratification and being unable to see the future are those reasons. They fuse together to form one gigantic, disgusting, unseen presence that keeps me wholly ignorant of the fact that my eyes are closed. Besides just binding my sight, they also make speed through all things, good and bad. The harm this may inflict upon my body, mind or spirit, usually pales in comparison to the piles of slain and unmet goals that I leave in my wake.
Admitting to the fact that I am a self-centered individual is no problem. The problem arises when I grasp for an answer to the question, ‘How do I change this’?. Looking out for number one is a basic societal instruction. However, when ’self-centered’ perverts into selfishness, then new walls become erected in your immediate path. When I turned to selfishness, I can never be too sure. Clarity only shines over the idea of destroying it.
Tagging along with selfishness, is the idea that you are big and bad enough to take on all that life has to throw at you. When this smoke cloud of illusion finally dissipates, you come crashing down to the sight of the destruction you caused. Bridges that could once withstand the fiercest storms are reduced to mere piles of glowing embers. Broken hearts and broken friendships litter the ground all around you. After all this has set in, you see that you have no clue where you are. Only then do you come to the realization that you are but a mere speck in the grand scheme of things and you cannot bear this pain all alone. Harder yet is the lesson that many goals cannot be achieved without others.
Normally, people learn what not to do by doing something that causes them pain. I on the other hand, will usually burn my hand on the stove, realize that in doing so I hurt myself, but then I’ll see a candle across the room and still reach for the flame. Fire is fire, no matter what setting it exists in. My mind has this haze that envelops it and believes that every situation is different, even though time and pain has proved otherwise. Stupid, yes, but it does help me to maintain a childlike innocence and has so far kept me from becoming jaded to the various fires (relationships, daily mundane routines, Etc.) within my life. Weather or not the innocence will ever outweigh the pain, that is something i’ll never know fully, but have faith that it will.
I am man enough to admit that I am stupid enough to do things that will hurt me, even after i’ve already learned that they cause pain. However, I will not say that I don’t understand that they will cause me pain the second time around. It loops back to the innocence factor. In all honesty, within the deepest chambers of my heart, I know its going to hurt. I pray that each time I remake a mistake that its going to be different. I obviously hope that it is going to turn out for the better, and if not that, then at least be different, if only in the tinest, minute way so I can rationalize it as a ‘brand new’ learning situation.
Instant gratification is a constant problem with me. The fight between me and the sloth that instant gratification brings with it seeps into all different aspects of my life. It effects me in stupid little ways, like weather or not I should microwave a hot pocket for lunch instead of making a nutritious bowl of soup. The real drop down, drag out war is, rationalizing weather or not my studying for work is worth loosing sleep over so that I can hang out with all my friends and my maybe soon to be girlfriend. I’ll give you a real good example, this is being typed at 5:06 AM, and not because I’m nocturnal. Everyday I have to make decisions weather or not to take the quick fix, or choose the option that consumes time and generally isn’t all that fun. Factor in a nice dose of senioritus, and it turns my loosing battle into a slaughter.
My last real problem is mostly a byproduct of having my three other problems at the same time. Take selfishness, Laziness and a dash of the inablity to learn from the past and you get my final problem – not being able to see what effects my actions will have. Sometimes this will work to my advantage, keeping me from fearing things that I have no reason to, but more likely the opposite will occur. I will not see that if I decide to stay out all night hanging out with friends that I will be unable to wake up in the morning and will run late for work. I will only see that if i decide to stay out I will probably get a chance to pop really stupid jokes, get in on some juicy gossip, or have a chance to make out with the girl I like. In this sense, I really am blind, and I do not even know it.
Each of these factors exists on their own, and as a part of a larger problem. They are my bane. Laying down and dying isn’t something I am known for doing, so I know that these undoings won’t plague me forever. I have to muster up the courage, sense of mind, strength of will and patience to slay the beast that basicaly decides which goals I will or won’t make for me. It won’t be easy. I’ve let them build up untouched for too long to expect this to be a quick and easy battle.
What exactly can be done to change this? Beats me. There are a number of ways to fight this, and I know eventually they all lead to the same conclusion. But for me, I think retraining my mind will be the best method of attack. I will have to relearn that i’m not the only one in this world. I will have to take time to recognize what is fun isn’t always whats going to be what is needed. I might have to loose that special innocence to learn that each fire burns the same. Its going to take a really long time to do this, but for the sake of my future self and all the goals I wish to achive, I know I can do it.
True, right now I am running through life blind, but it doesn’t have to be that way. One day the collision will be so great that I won’t be able to get up. When that happens I’ll have no choice but to tear the scales from my eyes and see the road ahead of me. But why let it come to that? I have the ability to stop dead in my tracks right now. I can refuse to move another inch until I can see. I can clear my sight and avoid so much pain, heartache and confusion right now. I think i’ll start now.
-j
